Olympics < Paint Drying

The Olympics is a great and noble concept that has degraded into a very expensive, overhyped snoozefest.

First of all, every country cheats like motherfuckers. Sure, China bought some Dominican Republic passports for its female gymnasts, but we flew the freaking NBA All-Star team over on a private jet. Seems like an even trade to me. Honestly, if it wasn't for the archery, steeplechase and equestrian dressage events, who would watch the Olympics anyway?

And this jerk named Michael Phelps has won like every damned swimming medal. Who really gives a butt brownie about swimming? Honestly, if it isn't an Olympiad and an American isn't favored to win 103 medals, does anybody follow swimming? No. The sport is boring and irritating. What the hell is a natatorium anyway?

Look, here's what would make the Olympics exciting again :

1. Kick the pros out of the Olympics. Their inclusion has only made an already apathetic audience more bored. "Hey, LeBron James totally dunked over that 4'8" Colombian in Chuck Taylors! America's freaking awesome!"
2. Stop drug-testing. Who really cares if athletes are pumping horse steroids into their butt cheeks? I want to see more biceps exploding. I want to witness freaks of nature in hi-definition! Make minimum chest requirements for the ladies, too. "Under a C cup? Get implants and call me in 4 years, honey."
3. Hold swimming events in an ultimate wave pool. And all events should be under two laps in length. Better yet, make non-swimmers compete to give it the same morbid excitement experienced at cock fights. Vegas loves this idea.
4. Drop all of the boring events, like pentathlon, velodrome cycling, pistol and fencing. Seriously, the marathon takes like an entire weekend to run, and the female event is the most gruesome display of flat-chestdom. Those broads make fashion models look like pigs. Plus, this will shave a week off the Olympics, so we can get back to watching X-Files reruns a little sooner.
   
5. Add an extreme eating event. Be sure to change up the featured food every four years to keep it relevant. I like the idea of using a local delicacy.
6. Stop awarding silver and bronze medals. That's PC, bleeding heart bullshit. Kids, there's first place and no place. Make the last-placed competitor in each event run the gauntlet.
7. National anthems sound like ass played from recordings. Enlist local panhandling musicians and/or middle school orchestras to perform live. Good luck if Zimbabwe ever wins anything! (Probably a non-issue.)
8. Kill the replays. Watching a bunch of gymfagotomitrists hover around a Dell reviewing some crappy .wmv file to see if a 9 year old in a sports bra made 4 or 3.5 rotations is pure bullshit. Judges need to have marine batteries wired to whatever poor excuse for genitals they possess. Give them 30 seconds to score a routine. After that, it's shocker time.
9. Fire all of the sportscasters, starting with the color commentary dickwads. We need folks that know nothing about the sport to call the plays. Let's keep it real. Hypothetical examples:
   
   
   • "This guy from France has a spadex wedgie and is totally fucking up his floor routine. Damn, isn't a stuffed package like a 3-point deduction or something? No way a frenchie is that big. Seriously, it's like Monsters of Cock huge. It hurts my ass just watching this guy. Hey, hey, hey, Monsieur Francois, call me! He's nice. Doesn't he seem nice to you, Marjorie? Yeah, that's nice!"
   
   
   • "Well, that was a short race. They trained an entire lifetime for a 9-second race? Really, who can't run 100 yards? Oops, sorry, meters. What the fuck's a meter? Anyway, lets get some crackheads to run this thing next time. Back to you Jim."
   
   
   • "Okay, Xihongfun Fondue just did a crazy spin thing with a can-opener like thing at the end. Was that a big splash? I couldn't tell. It looked like a big splash. Wait, is that a bad thing? A big splash. It is? Oh. Well, let's wait to see how the judges score it. Yo! Can I get a Grape Nehi over here?"
   
   
10. Make every event full-contact. Make synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics clothing-optional. Enough said.

And IOC, how many kilos of blow and underage hookers does it take to pick a freaking host city? Let's nip this drama in the bud. How about gathering reps from each potential host city in a room and let them throw some novelty Dungeons and Dragons dice? It ain't that hard.